This Form Is To Get Your Information To Give To Our Sales Guys

Note: I’ve written a lot of landing pages in my time. And while the text may change, the subtext remains the same:

Thanks for clicking that display ad.  You’re in the .002% of impressions that actually convert, sucker.  Not only did you use the same really obscure search term our SEO people told us we should bid on, but you also happen to have been bored enough to answer our crappy call to action floating somewhere in your sidebar.  Clearly, with that sort of time on your hands, you are exactly the sort of decision maker we are looking for.

So, fill out this form. You don’t really have to do anything than pull down a few menus asking for information like the annual revenue range, total headcount and federal tax ID. Just the basics, really.

When we say stuff like “we want to get to know a little more about you” in these landing pages, what we really mean is that we want to know how to segment you so we can send you a bunch of e-mails you’re too lazy to unsubscribe from.  Don’t worry, you can just delete them; the fact that you don’t actually open the e-mail doesn’t diminish the brand impression.  Or that’s how we justify our bounce rates and our marketing department’s budget.

Please provide the information requested so the really expensive system that’s too complicated for us to figure out how to really use so that we can figure out whether or not you’re worth us passing along for sales to call.  But remember, even though you’re filling out a generic form for the purposes of automation, you’re more than a form to us. If your answers indicate we should move you from lead to prospect, that is, because let’s face it: deal size matters.

In the meantime, enjoy this white paper that’s more branded than a Texas cattle ranch and contains “thought leadership” more prejudicial and provincial than a Texas cattle rancher.  It will help you to get to know us, and why we’re the only product the analysts we’ve paid for quotes say can possibly fill the need you can’t possibly know you have yet.  Because we’re so innovative we can see problems that aren’t actually there – and price our product accordingly.

Thanks again for your interest and we look forward to being in touch, provided you give us accurate information on the form, the system passes you through the funnel and we can get the sales guys off the golf course long enough to actually follow up with you.  By by the time that happens, you won’t remember any of this, anyway.

P.S. Don’t forget to “like” us on our Facebook and join the conversation about us with our intern on Twitter by putting a pound sign in front of our company’s name.

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