Don’t Be That Guy: Terrible Twitter Profiles
I’m pretty active Twitter user who manages more corporate accounts than I’d care to (and even one for an NPO, just because). And because I’m old school like dat, I monitor mentions and interactions on TweetDeck, which has been ubiquitous on my desktop since 2009, not to mention largely unchanged from its original instance in terms of UI/UX and features. This means that I get a little pop-up window containing a user’s picture and bio every time one of my accounts picks up a new follower – and it’s to those new followers that I’d like to address this post.
If you’re following me, that means that you, for some reason or another, care about what I have to say (ostensibly, anyway). And you should know I’m not the kind of guy who gives a ton of shout outs for stuff like following me, although, with due apologies, you do happen to be the first of literally tens of thousands of people who I’ve refrained from calling out. Sorry, not sorry.
I’ll likely lose these douche canoes as followers, which is OK, because I’d like to critique these 5 followers to show exactly what, in my opinion, you should avoid when creating or updating your Twitter bio. If you ask yourself who the hell I am to be judging these people, well, ask yourself why it is you’re reading this post. I didn’t ask you to, you know – just like I didn’t ask this A Team to follow me on Twitter.
Although I do kind of pity the fool.
1. Bill Humbert: With an inspiring background that looks like a mixture of a ReMax ad and a Coors commercial, Bill Humbert wants you to know that not only is he a #professional speaker, he also knows how to use #hashtags to maximum douchiness. Who wouldn’t want to do #business with someone an award winning #consultant who clearly sprung for the deluxe package at Glamour Shots?
The laurels which this award-winning Arsenio tie wearing Humbert refers to are being called one of “50 Great Writers You Should Be Reading” via what appear to be a hilarious self-published “press release” at the official site for the Free Publicity Group (legit, right?). But he did publish a job search advice book that’s available on Amazon, and yes – you did see him on TV as the in-house recruiting guru on Park City public access television. Although he does live in Park City, so he must be doing something right. You just couldn’t tell it from this bio.
2. Michael Homula: I’ve never understood why, exactly, people feel the need to disclose their love of the Lord in 140 characters or less, but this dude is basically the unemployed social media version of Kordell – a consultant who can do it all.
He can speak to either companies that make money or who don’t, or he can even start his own business or non-profit, since he’s an entrepreneur – he’d love to tell you all about it and sign your book.
Although the only book that really matters is the Good Book, which is why, of course, in 2014, you have to self-identify as an “abolitionist.” Because if we had slavery, we wouldn’t need consultants, now, would we?
3. Telemill: Yeah, the other guys are real people, but since I only pulled bios of people who followed me within the last 12 hours, this one kind of stood out for a couple of obvious #reasons. First off, the hashtag and buzzword density here is absolutely stunning. And, yes, I would love to learn how to become a millionaire through telecommuting, as your associated link suggests, since I’ve been doing it for years now and am not even close.
Only red flag: having been to the Bay, the fact that you’re in Oakland really makes me question this claim – although that might be where all the millionaires hide out these days, dodging muggers and putting on the Ritz while fending off Raiders fans.
So, I’m going to check this Rosalind Welch woman on LinkedIn, just to make absolutely sure this “Telemill” will, indeed, help me make millions without having to go outside or interact with human beings – because, how could that be too good to be true, right? So, turns out when she’s not popping tags and driving Bugatis, this telecommuting evangelist is, in fact, an experienced office administrator who is “directly responsible” for scheduling meetings at a non-profit in Oakland. So here’s to you, Rosalind, for keeping it real and at least not hiding the fact that you’ve got a shitty day job like the rest of us proles.
Bonus: This should be pretty self-explanatory. I’m not saying my bio is awesome – I’m just saying, don’t be that guy. I’m not.
Snark Attack 
Hoho, I love a bit of snarky observations!
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